Another day, another struggle.

I’ve told myself countless time it won’t happen.

Yet, I’ve also told myself countless times miracles do happen.

I do stand a chance.

No, I don’t.

Yes, I do.

Struggling everyday to find a conclusion, when will I be able to find it?

I do believe, deep down in my heart, that it won’t happen.

But I can’t erase those memories that proved you wrong.

That has proven to you everything is possible, no matter how unbelievable it is.

Then again, every time you don’t look, every time you just walked pass, every time I don’t see you, I came to a conclusion again it is not possible.

Yes, it is not. 

But I just need that one, little, tiny moment with you to destroy the barrier I’ve put between me and you.

Now, I have to struggle to put it back.

Sometimes I wonder if you feel the same way as I do.

Sometimes I wonder what are you thinking when you looked at me.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s fate or coincidence.

Sometimes I wonder if you know my name.

Sometimes I wonder if you know my friends.

Sometimes I wonder if you know that I’m actually rotting in school.

Sometimes I wonder if you know how awkward I feel, how lousy I feel.

Or… maybe, every time, every moment I struggled with myself, you don’t even think about me.

I know you’re not that kind of person.

Should I be glad, or sad?

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Let Go.

My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it was not hurting you doesn’t mean you did not notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you too much pain.

Therefore, move on and let go. (credits to a amazing person who wrote this)

By far, the best analogy I’ve ever read. Insecurities, too much. Fear, too much. Hesitant, too much.

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I’m so afraid of actually losing you. It kinds of scares me how much I fear for that. Reality sinks into me now, I no longer prayed for the miracle I once used to. Now, I’m just wishing that my pain would be lessen, my heart will be harden.  Just by that little.

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Life hasn’t been too great these past few days. My self-doubts accumulates more and more, I don’t even know how to handle it any more  Socially awkward. Sometimes, I would just look at my surroundings, and wonder why am I even here. When I walk alone, I don’t even know where to place my hands to make things less awkward for me. Constantly doubting whether I’m annoying the others, or even doubting if whatever words that come out from my mouth actually make sense to the others. I don’t know how to interact without feeling awkward any more. I know they probably find nothing wrong about me, but I feel like I don’t belong here.

Putting up a strong front, looking happy, optimistic everyday. I guess the worst part comes from the part where I’m waiting for my bus and the journey home. That’s when every single shit of self-doubts I had today consolidate together, and I’ve never felt any shittier. I hate them, but they are constantly in my head. The part when I actually still believed you would appear kills me, because I just realised my stupidity in believing that.

Where’s my confidence?

Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful, w...

Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful, without needing someone to tell you. -Mandy Hale (Photo credit: deeplifequotes)

I don’t feel beautiful. No, I’m not expecting a compliment. But honestly, I wish for the day I actually feels good about myself. Feel that I’m actually of worth, and not wonder, “Why do they even want to talk to me?”…

怕。

不知道从那里开始。

好怕。

好痛。

我知道没有机会,但是总是抱着一线希望。

看到了她写下来,我真的很怕。

很怕有一天,我不能再有希望。

从那里开始说出我的痛苦。

没有缘分,泪水慢慢的流下。

知道他一点也不在乎。

更痛。

 

Wallflower.

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Guess you guys read “Perks of Being a Wallflower” before…right? Or at least, heard of it. I’ve never read the book, but I did watched the movie. It’s a really inspirational, touching film, highly recommended for all the teens out there struggling to make some worth in yourself!

Well, today has been…quite a boring day. Moving from class to class, listening to lectures all day. And I’ve just realised the pros and cons of having just one close friend you go around with in school everyday. No girl drama but when she isn’t around… damn you feel so awkward. Me being an awkward turtle today, felt like I’m annoying the shit out of everyone. Although I’m definitely not left out, but I felt like I didn’t know how to interact with anyone. To be honest, I’m not a very confident person. I have too many doubts about myself,  too many unnecessary fears… I feel like I could love myself more. At least it will benefit me in terms of emotional well-being. Maybe that’s the reason why I always feel that it’s impossible between us. You are too nice, too perfect. I’m just… well me. I’m struggling with everything, and I’m not even sure I’m nice. As much as I want to believe it’s possible, I just couldn’t bring myself to. When you look, I’m just thinking about all the negative thought, ‘Are the laughing at me?’, ‘Are they talking about me?’. I guess in reality, they are probably not, I’m just thinking too much. But all these thoughts are killing me. I’m really tired from all this shit. Either YOU take the first step, or we can just forget about it. Anyway, if you wanted to you would already done it. Why the hell am I still waiting for a miracle? Damn. You did it anyway, you just successfully made me felt tired from all the shit you have been giving me. I guess…. it’s all one-sided. 

I feel like a wallflower sometimes. I guess not.

Take a line from a song that you love or connect with. Now forget the song, and turn that line into the title or inspiration for your post.

Since I have some free time, let me just do a little post, using the inspiration that WordPress has given me.

Well, the song I’ve chosen is Almost by Tamia. She’s definitely one of my favourite singers, and her songs gives off the 90s feel which I totally love!

How can one miss what she’s never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past(lyrics from song)

ImageYou’re imagining it and living your life for it. 

I think this picture has a lot to do with the song. You want something to happen, you want a miracle. You don’t know if it will happen, but you wish for it every single day. You run through all those images in your mind, you smile, you laugh. The day when you know it’s not going to happen, you would start reminisce those memories that didn’t even took place in reality. Yet, it felt so real to you. You want to cry, you want some relief. You know it’s never going to happen any more. 

You’ve waited for so long.

Don’t wait for things you are not sure.

Don’t wait for things you’ll never have.

Reality just struck you.

Reality of Fear.

You’re not scared of the dark.

You’re scared of what’s in it.

You’re not afraid of heights.

You’re afraid of falling.

You’re not afraid of the people around you.

You’re just afraid of rejection.

You’re not afraid to love.

You’re just afraid of not being loved back.

You’re not afraid to let go.

You’re just afraid to accept the reality that he’s gone. 

You’re not afraid to try again.

You’re just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason. 

Positive.

Aiming for such a long time to be able to accomplish just that 10%, finally it did.

Yes, it was such a bitter-sweet moment, no, not really bitter-sweet. It’s just something I took 3 months to get inside my head. I need to face the reality, and I guess now it’s the right time. I do admit I’m sad, but again, at the same time, I’m really glad I was able to let it go just that small little 10% today. If I can make it to 10% today, I’m very sure the next day would be even better. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, the day after etc, maybe tomorrow I will fall apart again. However, if I don’t try and make an effort, I will never succeed. 

No pain, no gain, haha. I don’t regret knowing you, really. In fact, I’m really really really glad that I know you exist in this world, in my country, in my social circle. I can’t describe how glad and satisfied I feel just knowing that you exist. Then again, I also can’t describe how much of a struggle I deal everyday – to let go or to keep holding on. Yes, I want to let go and move on with my life, but at the same time, I want to keep holding on – maybe a miracle will happen someday? However, deep down in my heart, I know it’s not possible. It’s impossible between us. I think the saddest part is not being able to know you, it’s the part where you deal with all sorts of doubts and what ifs every single day until you think it’s normal to continue with a life like this. I’m ending this. Ending this will make me happy, will make you relieved. Crawling back into my own shell, it’s not easy but I’m going to try, try and try everyday.

Wish me luck.

Tears.

Don’t ever let them fall down from your cheeks.

Don’t ever let them block you from clarity.

Once they fall

The moment they fall

You know you fell apart again.

Don’t let them go.

Don’t let them fall.

Don’t fall apart.

You are worth more than you thought you are.

Please.

Don’t do this to yourself.

But wait,

I can’t control.